All the Weird Things Runners Do

We’ve all seen a runner with twin blood stains soaking through their T-shirt, so to avoid the pain (and embarrassment), we cover the nipples with medical tape, Band-Aids, or NipGuards.

To be a runner is to unexpectedly get the urge to use the bathroom four miles from home. We quickly learn the location of every gas station, grocery store, and Starbucks bathroom within a 10 mile radius of the house.

Who needs restaurants, museums, or stunning vistas when you’ve got a kickass road or trail race to run? If we’re traveling, the trip had better at least feature a 5K somewhere in the middle.

Hanging out with friends on a Saturday morning? Unthinkable. Us runners prioritize our training above all else. Tell your sister to move the baby shower to the afternoon because we’ve got 16 miles to run.

Time to order another shoe rack. Footwear is naturally the most important equipment for runners, and you’ve got to be well stocked. If you don’t have at least 10 pair of running shoes sitting around, then what are you doing?

Our friends may be ordering salads and salmon, but that just won’t cut it for us. Especially when training for marathons and ultras, it’s going to be pasta, fries, and dinner rolls, please and thank you.

There’s no shame here. Sometimes you’ve got a long run out in the country and you know there won’t be a bathroom around, so you have to plan ahead. We carry a little TP so we can avoid foraging for leaves.

We finished the race. We earned the medal. So why wouldn’t we wear it to brunch…and dinner…and the hotel continental breakfast the next morning…and on the plane…and to the office on Monday…and possibly Tuesday.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and we’re going to be spending a big chunk of change on commemorative hoodies, multi-colored shoelaces, and gels, so we got to save up some coin.

We are proud of being runners, so it’s only natural we frame a few race bibs to hang around the house. Add a medal rack and some finish photos to make the whole guest bedroom road-race themed.

Which side streets connect? What house has the dog? Where does that park trail lead to? You know because you’ve run every inch of your town a hundred times over.

We could just sit for two hours with our friends munching on scones, but that’s perfectly good running time, so let’s jog 10 miles at a conversational pace instead.

Nothing can divide the running club quicker than asking if running shoes should be well padded or not. We have opinions and can talk for at least a half hour uninterrupted about every variation of shoe.

Some people watch Netflix when they’re drained. Not us! Nothing reinvigorates the runner like more running. After a tough day at work, a quick loop around the park will have us feeling right as rain.

Get out the spreadsheets and the timetables. We don’t want to have an emergency bathroom break in a race, so we are strategizing just when to drink that coffee and clear the system.

From the car, this road may seem flat, but we runners know it’s actually a series of ups and downs. A bump turns into a mountain at the end of a long run, and we’re acutely aware of just where every bump is.

If you get a shirt at every race, and you run a lot of races, you’re going to have a few drawers full of race shirts very quickly. Maybe now is the time to turn them into a quilt?

The quickest way to spot a runner at the beach is scanning for the black toenailed and toenail-less. If you run long distances, they’re sure to fall off and leave you with some funky looking feet.

Nothing gets us going like talking about our busted ankles, wobbly knees, and achy backs. A room full of runners has more tales of medical emergencies than a season of Grey’s Anatomy.

Feeling sore after a run? Roll it out. Feel stiff before a run? Roll it out. Feeling bored on a Friday night? Roll it out. Never a bad time to lay on a tube of foam.