Are runners born or made? Are we built for the sport or have we defied our physical limitations out of necessity and for the hell of it? A newly discovered manuscript offers much-needed clarity on this most contentious of issues (some portions reimagined or made up)
Scene 1:
Creative Director (CD) is in his office, poring over some plans. Terry, his chief designer, pops his head in.
What everyone's reading
Terry: Hey, CD, got a minute? I want to run something by you.
CD: Sure. Come on in.
Terry: Great. It’s about the humans.
CD: I’m almost done. What about them?
Terry: I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we make them runners?
CD: What do you mean?
Terry: Design them so they can run, like the other mammals. You know, what do you call it… the cheeter–
CD: Cheetah. With an ‘ah’. Say -ah
Terry: Cheet-ah. Some of these names, CD…anyway, why not design the humans so they can run, too?
CD: I don’t know, Terry. We’ve given them the brains – well, some of them – and they’re going to invent cars and planes and – it breaks my heart – scooters, so no one’s going to want to run.
Terry: But why not give them the option?
CD strokes his beard and makes himself purr softly.
CD: I suppose we could call it Free Will.
Terry: We should definitely call it that.
CD: What are you suggesting? Give me specifics. I don’t want to make it too easy on them. Come on: hit me.
Terry: Fewer legs.
CD: I like where you’re going. Three?
Terry: Two.
CD: That’s why I hired you, Terry. Right there! What else?
Terry: Well, let’s have a look at the plans. What’s this?
CD: That’s a tendon. The Greeks will come up with a name for it.
Terry: Looks pretty strong.
CD: I see your point. How about this: we give it a terrible blood supply, so it’s really hard to heal when they injure it.
Terry: You are sobad.
CD: I know, right?
Terry: And what are these? They look weird.
CD: I’m going to call them glutes.
Terry: Glutes: another winner in the name game. What do they do?
CD: They’re big, powerful muscles. Now that I think of it, they’ll be great for running. Oh, I know: they’ll also be great for sitting on! Incredibly comfortable. Plush. So now the humans have to decide which they prefer. Running or sitting.
Terry: You already know what they’re going to choose, don’t you?
CD: Sure do.
Terry: So much for free will, eh?
(Laughs)
CD: Good one. This is great. I’m such a big-picture guy. It’s great to get your perspective on the details.
Terry: What about the feet?
CD: What about them?
Terry: They look…efficient. How about tiny bones. Loads to go wrong.
CD: Brilliant. And tickles. Let’s give them tickles.
Terry: That’s hilarious.
CD: For about 10 seconds, right?!
(Laughs)
CD: I have another one. Take a look.
Terry: What are those things?
CD: They’re eyebrows. They keep sweat out of the eyes.
Terry: Really? So they’re going to be quite handy…
CD: But they don’t work! Completely useless. These ‘runners’ won’t know where they’re going. And I’m putting salt in the sweat. Double trouble! Can you imagine the stinging?
Terry: I’m starting to think you’re having too much fun.
CD: No such thing. How about nails?
Terry: Nails? Isn’t that a bit–
CD: No no, toenails. What do they do? Nothing. What happens when you run? They go black and fall off. Then (chuckles), they grow back and it starts all over again.
Terry: I’m going to get some lunch. Some of this seems a bit…off.
CD: Oh, come on. Just one more.
Terry: I’m sorry I started this. What?
CD: Chafing.
Terry: What’s chafing?
CD: You know when you’re grating cheese?
Terry: Now I think you’re just being mean.
CD: Fine, I’ll throw in endorphins.
Terry is very uncomfortable now
Terry: End dolphins? Why would you do that?
CD: Endorphins, Terry. Happy juice. They’ll feel great after a run.
Terry: That seems fair…wait, won’t that make them want to do it again?
CD: That’s the general idea. They won’t be able to stop themselves!
Terry: Can I go?
CD: Actually, now that you’re here… Have a look at this. I call it a platypus. And I have this weird feeling I haven’t quite got it right. Wait! Got it. Flippers!
